I feel that I am more like Conrad and Beth. Conrad has a very violent side of him, as well as myself. I have calmed down a lot from it, but I know that I still have it in me. It took little effort for me to snap in the way Conrad did in chapter 22. I had a history of being suspended every year throughout middle and high school. Having a lot of altercations with my mom, dad, family, and friends. Still to this day I have my days when I get into my moods. Saying the littlest thing can set me off. I had anger built up for years because of the absence of my father.
In Conrad’s case, him and his mother don’t have that relationship, so I can understand why he is so distant and rude to her. A lot of my anger came from the absence of my dad, and my mom would get the backlash, similar to Cal getting the backlash when it came to Beth and Conrad. In chapter 22, when Conrad gets into a physical altercation, he later goes homes and tries to cover up the fact that he was in a fight, “He takes the shirt into the laundry room. Maybe she won’t notice” (Pg. 183). Many fights that I was in, my mom didn’t know about. Wasn’t happy to tell her. Conrad was not so happy about beating up Jarret.
He told his dad that he thinks he hurt him. I never felt good to know that someone I fought was hurt, not even if they did something to me. I never thought about the consequences before I fought, and didn’t care about them afterwards. Conrad talks to a physiatrist. He talks about his family divided in pain. I had a physiatrist that I began to talk to after getting kicked out of school. My mom wanted to find out the root of my anger. After a while I explained my issue. A lot of my pain and anger came from the relationship I had with my mom that was slowly getting worse. My mom never understood no matter how much she tried to say she did.
She was always absent in situations that I needed her in. Our relationship started to get worse after she got into a relationship. She started to worry about me less, which caused me to act out more and fighting more in and out of school. She didn’t understand how much of a big role she played in my life. I tried staying involved in activities as well as Conrad, but eventually, got out of them. Many times after I was angry or got into some kind of altercation, I would call my physiatrist to talk, much like Conrad. I began to have a relationship with her, being able to talk to her.
Instead of being able to talk to your parents, you talk to your physiatrist, much like what Conrad. I am also much like Beth. I tend to try to keep my distance from people. Especially the ones who hurt me. Avoid building a relationship. I have been let down by so many people, I just put my guard up. I don’t talk to very many people; I just keep my distance. I worry about myself and do whatever I feel is going to benefit me and make me feel better. I try to stay away from things I know is going to hurt me, scare me, or upset me. I isolate myself. But, the ones who are close to me, I still keep my distance as much as possible.
As well as the ones who try to hurt me, I tend to keep them in my life, but only trust them as far as I can throw them. After you lose someone, you tend to react to things way different. Whether it’s becoming closer with your loved ones, or distancing yourself from them and running away from the actual problem. I feel that Beth tries to go on vacations so much to keep her mind off of the death of her son, “You know how good it feels to get away” (Pg. 29). “– but I need it! I need to go! ” (Pg. 29) That is what it seems Beth does. After losing one son, and the other trying to take his life, it becomes too much to take in, and you run from it.
I tried so many outlets to channel my anger, open up more, and it did not work. I just go with the flow. While reading, Conrad did what he felt would help him with feeling guilty with what happened with his brother. Beth felt that not talking to Conrad and going on trips was her outlet on how to deal with her issues. I can understand why they did that. Cal did not agree with the way Beth did the things she did. He wanted her and Conrad to talk. “Let’s go upstairs. ” (Pg. 112) Cal wanted Beth and Conrad to talk but Beth didn’t want to. Beth being angry with Conrad caused a big division between her and Cal.
Conrad and Beth would have arguments and run ins, “You never wanted to know anything I was doing, or anything I wasn’t doing” you just wanted me to leave you alone! ” (Pg. 110). Con felt that Beth didn’t think of him, nor care about him or the things he did. Like when it came to Conrad leaving the swim team and him not telling Beth and Cal. “I’m sure I would have told you, Conrad says, “If I thought you gave a damn! ” (Pg. 109) Beth and Conrad are both stubborn I noticed. Beth doesn’t want to talk to Conrad because she may feel she will have to face the fact of her son’s death.
Conrad doesn’t want to talk because he is mad about Beth not coming to see him at the hospital after he tried to take his life. I can be like them both when it comes to circumstances like that. Someone doesn’t want to talk to me, I don’t want to talk to them either. Even though the end of the story did not go as planned, Conrad learned to understand the absence of Beth is not his fault or anyone else’s. As long as Beth runs from this situation it will continue to eat her up. I learned that even when you don’t want to face reality and accept it, that is the only way you will be happier with yourself.
