In the book why we love, author Helen Fisher attempts to understand the idea behind the human romantic love by studying the mating behavior of animals. Thus, she firmly believes that romantic love is a phenomenon arising from ‘human nature’. Which shows itself in the different forms in the animal kingdom. The book begins by presenting the results of a scientific study in which Fisher scanned the brains of people who had just fallen madly in love. She proves, at last, what researchers had only suspected: that when you fall in love, primordial areas of the brain “light up” with increased blood flow, creating romantic passion.
Fisher uses this new research to show exactly what you experience when you fall in love, why you choose one person rather than another, and how romantic love affects your sex drive and your feelings of attachment to a partner. She argues that all animals feel romantic attraction, that love at first sight comes out of nature, and that human romance evolved for crucial reasons of survival. Lastly, she offers concrete suggestions on how to control this ancient passion, and she optimistically explores the future of romantic love in our chaotic modern world.
In the first few chapters of why we love, Fisher talks about the methods used by human males and females in the process of courtship and their reproductive functions. She discusses the art of flirtation and how it is expressed by both sexes. Beginning with what is referred to as “Body Talk”, Fisher claims that some patterns of female flirting like smiling, lifting the eyebrows, wide-eyed gazing and looking away are cross-cultural (Why we love,20). To add to that, a typical female strategy when flirting is to use the head to “signal sexual interest” (Why we love, 20). The female will give her suitor a coy look or toss her hair.
This gesture, which is is common among other female species suggests that such actions may be evolutionary. Males also use body language whish is similar to the type use to indicate dominance, such as arching the back and thrusting the upper body forward. Similarly, males in other species also “puff up” in order to intimidate rivals and attract potential mates (Why we love,21). In order to examine the courting behaviors of males and females, Fisher looks to a study done by two scientists, David Givens and Timothy Perper, in which American men and women were observed in their natural flirting environment, cocktail lounges.
The two scientists concluded that there are five distinct stages of courtship. During the first or “attention getting” phase, both men and women begin by establishing “a territory—a seat, a place to lean… Once settled, they begin to attract attention to themselves” (Why we love,26). From there, men and women start to differ in flirtation strategies. Men tend to exaggerate gestures or walk in a manner that draws attention to themselves, and older men often attempt to reveal signs of success such as wearing expensive clothing.
Women combine an array of different feminine behaviors into their strategy such as tilting their heads, giggling, walking a certain way, arching their backs, thrusting their chests forward, and swaying their hips. The second stage is known as the “recognition” stage during which the two people acknowledge each other through eye contact and “a smile or slight body shift, and the couple move into talking range” (Why we love, 27). The third riskiest stage is the initiation of conversation, referred to as “grooming talk” that includes icebreakers such as compliments or personal questions, (Why we love, 27).
If a couple converses successfully, they are likely to move on to the fourth stage, touch, which begins with “intention cues” where one or both people lean closer to each other decreasing the space between them until one person finally touches the other in a way that is socially acceptable. Reaction in stage four is crucial. Withdrawal generally ends the interaction, but encouragement can lead to the fifth stage, “total body synchrony” (Why we love, 29). The scientists noticed that in the last stage, “as potential lovers become comfortable, they pivot or swivel until their shoulders become aligned, their bodies face-to-face… fter awhile the man and woman begin to move in tandem” (Why we love,29).
Fisher reminds the reader that such studies do not indicate that these behaviors are cross-cultural since they were only conducted in the United States. She does, however, claim that there is “evidence to suggest that some of these patterns are universal to humankind” (Why we love,29). There are also several examples of body synchrony in particular that are cross-cultural and that are displayed not as a means to attract a sexual partner but also as a sign of familiarity and comfort between friends.
In her study, Fisher notices that people court one another slowly and cautiously in order to avoid being overly aggressive and possibly discouraging the other person from desiring further interaction. She also draws attention to the idea that, although it is a common belief that it is most often men who initiate sexual advances, it is really women in America) who “generally initiate the courting sequence—starting with subtle nonverbal cues” (Why we love,32).
In her own research, Fisher has found that the sex drives expressed by both males and females are essentially the same. What men usually presume to be the initiation of courtship is really what Perper refers to as “initiative transfer” where the male responds to the female’s nonverbal cues and proceeds to make moves in an attempt to entice the woman into a sexual relationship, (Why we love,33). Both parties are very important to the courting sequence because if either person misses a cue it can end the courtship process.
The final characteristics that Fisher noted as being a unique part of the process of flirting and possibly universal are the uses of both food and music in the process of courtship. Fisher uses the example of “the dinner date” in which a male pays for dinner to signify that he is interested in pursuing the female and he is capable in terms of financial means. The author claims that “courtship feeding… has an important reproductive function. By providing food to females, males show their abilities as hunters, providers, and worthy procreative partners” (Why we love,35).
Lastly, Fisher mentions a cross-cultural link between music and attracting a mate and even ventures to say that musical flirting is not exclusive to humans, that many of the sounds made by various animals serve as powerful signs of courtship as well. Overall, Fisher offers a great insight of how and why people fall in love. No matter what our age or social background or type of species, we all fall in love. And now Helen Fisher has let us know why.
