STAR CHILD shines with a vivid imagination to tell a fantastic tale. The script focuses on a weak, meek, and worried teenager James, who has the daunting task of saving Earth from a terrible wizard and deadly drought. The story’s concept is solid. James has a clear goal: save Star Child and Earth. It’s a worthy goal and the audience roots for James to succeed. The stakes are high. There’s some stunning visual storytelling such as the Tree of Life’s Angel Wings, the Chess Game, and Re-neg’s hair growing, etc.
Moreover, James has a strong internal goal of growing into a man by finding his path in life, reconciling with his father, and recovering from his mom’s death. It’s clear that James’ inner struggle nicely conflicts with his actionable goal. Until James comes to believe in himself, he won’t be able to defeat the wizard. Again, the idea is well founded. Showing the difficulties of becoming a man is a solid concept that has been used often to tell a tale of fantasy. Overcoming the many blocks to becoming a man, James is emotionally relatable.
The first act does a good job of establishing James’ ordinary world. The story opens with a compelling action sequence that introduces the family’s legacy, and establishes both the action and fantasy elements of this tale. In addition, the first act does a good job of introducing James’ backstory that establishes his inner struggle when his mother dies in a fire, while trying to save him. This provides for a solid emotional backstory. James feels guilty. His world is consumed by feeling insecure. He considers himself a loser. He thinks his father sees him as a loser and blames him for his mother’s death.
James has something to prove – he can save Star Child and Earth – his emotional goal is getting his father’s love and approval. It’s a smart setup. Building up his insecurities early on helps highlight his transformation from weak boy to strong man. Having Ray bully James at school creates sympathy for James. Even better, Pete blames James for his mother’s death. There’s a lot on James’ shoulders to carry. The first act has a solid inciting event with the abduction of Star Child, the injury to Pete, and James’ decision to take his place. However, consider that James doesn’t tell his father what he’s doing.
As in the earlier drafts, have James slip out of the house and embark on his quest. James has a clear call to action and the second act is driven by James’ goal. The script is goal focused. James has to overcome many obstacle and opponents in his way physically and psychologically. A smart story choice is made to have James run into Re-neg and team up with her. They make for a good team and the audience likes them together. They share good chemistry. There are other smart choices such as the wizard’s wife coming back to life, but not as a normal person.
The fantasy in which James believes he’s reunited with his parents is very intriguing. The scene in which James has to overcome his fear of fire to save his father is a nice payoff from the fire that killed his mother. Make sure the audience understands his fear of fire. The idea that James gets to have a brief moment with his mother at the end is sweet and heartfelt. The idea that James resolves his inner struggle and bonds with his father is poignant. The strengths are plenty, but there’s more room to build upon the strengths.
CONSIDER THE FOLLOWING: One main concern that needs to be reworked is that, if understanding correctly, the wizard abducts Star Child to lure the protector (his father or James) to his castle to open the box with the magic necklace. The concern is that the wizard sends out Trenton to kill James. This is consistent with the wizard’s needs. Killing James doesn’t make sense if he wants James to open the box. One possible solution is that it’s the ring that has the power to open it, so he wants the ring without James. This needs to be clarified.
In the fire scene on page 3, open the scene with a visual of the fire first and then describe Jane running into the barn vs. walking. Remember to visually make the scenes come to life. On page 4, instead of saying his right hand is showing, one can do a CU: right hand (close up: right hand, but don’t do any other camera directions). Make the gravesite scene a new scene (new heading). On page 5, Ray is introduced twice. There’s no need for a bow tie and suspenders – the Quantum Physic books are enough to show he’s a nerd. Rework Ray’s dialogue. Maybe he calls him a name, then pushes him.
Make the scene more visual. Difficult to believe James would tell Betty to get out of his face. Show visually that he’s nervous and embarrassed. Show James’ father watching. But reword father’s statement to James, “if it wasn’t for you, your mother would be by my side. ” It has to be subtle. For example, he sees James at school, but doesn’t say anything. Then at home, Pete is trying to do something Jane used to do, and he says something about how Jane knew how to do it, but now… then he stops talking, and James finishes the sentences, “but now she can’t, because of me.
You blame -,” or something like that and he runs out of the room. One doesn’t fully understand the scene on page 6 about James having a rosy glow, the imaginary bottle of liquor, and pretending to stagger – consider cutting. Don’t understand the father saying, “the same kids? ” (page 6). Cut “they both exit. ” The conversation between Pete and James is a bit odd about the legacy. First, instead of talking about it, have James see Pete use the ring. Pete realizes James saw him and now he has to explain the legacy. Remember, James doesn’t know anything, so the conversation has to be as if James knows nothing.
Right now the conversation assumes information that James doesn’t know. It goes from Pete saying the ring is our legacy to James assuming it has powers, Pete never told him about powers, nor does Pete really explains about the wizard. Regardless, have James first see his father use the ring and then he’s told the story. Then maybe when he learns the truth, he wants to know if one day the ring will be given to him, but maybe his father hesitates to answer and James jumps to the conclusion that his father doesn’t believe in him. When Sen-Head has a heart attack, it needs to be more visual and realistic. how the wizard’s reaction. Don’t give away the twist that the person awoken might not be the same (or have the best interest – cut this). Cut the dialogue that says: don’t let it enter the inner you. Don’t break up the tension when the father is trapped in garage. Should be a tense scene. Breaking it up, dilutes the tension. It doesn’t feel realistic that the father is talking to the tree of life while trapped. As mentioned, have James take the ring for the quest without telling his father. Cut the Wizard saying that they have “one hour” as it’s a lot longer than one hour.
Around page 16, after the montage, make sure the audience understand the location/setting. Maybe need scene heading or sub-heading. Difficult to believe James would say, “My lovely Black Queen,” as it doesn’t sound like him. Not sure why Re-Neg puckers her lips. It’s a bit odd. Re-Neg’s backstory and the twist regarding her parents are confusing. First one thinks the Wizard killed them, and she wants revenge, but then the Wizard says it was the council? One doesn’t understand the backstory or the twist. Also, if there’s going to be a flashback about the wizard and Re-Neg, have it come when James first mentions the wizard to her.
Also, clarify what powers Re-Neg has and why. Is she a sorceress? Don’t use the Chess King’s plastic King and the rock-skin at the same time – they should be clues to the next point of James’ journey. So Rock Man gives a clue to James first to help him reach the King, and then the Chess King gives James a clue. Also the Legion of Swords isn’t foreshadowed. Don’t have James and Re-Neg go back to her house (page 37). This regresses the story vs. moving forward. Also, they later just magical show up at the castle and walk in with no problem.
There should be more obstacles. The same for Pete. He easily finds the castle and wizard, but he sounds very immature with the wizard. The chipping of the necklace isn’t the most engaging and it’s a bit difficult to follow. Don’t understand when “James emerges from the box. ” When the wizard tricks them into staying, it has to be stronger than him waving his hands and them disappearing into the void. James seems to “die” twice in the script – only one time is needed. Need to rework around page 53 – when James says, “let’s go outside for a minute or two. Action is about urgency and tension.
Also, James and Re-Neg assume information that’s not provided about the wife being heinous – keep the twist of her disfigurement until her reveal is made. When the wizard’s wife is revealed, the scene must be much stronger and intense. The wizard’s reaction has to be more realistic. Right now, he acts like a cartoon character making fun of his wife. He needs to be shocked and angry that the necklace did this and then blame James etc. Repetitive descriptions of characters’ eyes being wide and characters watching at a distance.
In James’ fantasy of his parents, make it more heartfelt. He really wants to believe they are real. Also, they need to be there for a purpose, a reason to trick James, like trying to get the ring. The action is very inventive and unique. The imagination required to find so many different battlegrounds is truly impressive. However, the story may have too many fights, which overall, can dilute the best ones. Too many conflicts can reduce their effectiveness, so by the time one gets to the end, it just seems like another battle, but nothing very exciting. Some ction is more visually challenging to imagine like pages 66 and 74.
Don’t understand the choking incident on page 31. The good-bye between Re-Neg and James is confusing. Not sure why she has to break the bond or that it’s a girl thing. They should have a very poignant good-bye. Dialogue remains challenging, but there are some really strong moments in dialogue too. This is particularly true when Re-Neg tells James, “Don’t lose your vision, you’re your own person, no one can ever take that away from you. ” This provides insight and conveys a sweet message.
Also, James realizes he has to be true to one’s self. Moreover, the story conveys a message about being a bully. Unfortunately, some of the dialogue remains on the nose, or sounds un-natural or just isn’t well understood. Continue to work on this. The ending feels satisfying. James reunites with his dad, his mom can rest in peace, and he has become a man. The best part is the last where they act like they will dive into the water, but actually perhaps they take flight together. As the hero, James shows potential. He’s committed to his physical goal.
James is extremely likable and the audience roots for him to be successful. He nicely transitions from boy to man and resolves his inner conflict. He faces moral choices and defeats both his physical opponent and his inner obstacle. Re-neg is fun and feisty. She has her own motivation. She shares good chemistry with James. One just doesn’t understand her backstory well. The wizard has a strong motivation too, and he’s also fun. He’s just unrealistic and a bit too cartoonish when his wife comes back to life. Edit typos and grammar.
