“The pleasure of remembering had been taken from me, because there was no longer anyone to remember with. It felt like losing your coremberer meant losing the memory itself, as if the things we’d done were less real and important than they had been hours before. ” (John Green). In my opinion, loss is one of the worst things one can face in life. It hurts. It sucks. It makes you feel as if you are the one who is dead. People tell you to prepare yourself when you know a loved one is about to die but that is simply not possible.
The doctors gave my paw-paw six months to live. So for six months we knew. I think in those six months I did the opposite of prepare myself. I spent all of my spare time with him. I stayed the night at hospitals on the weekends and completed my homework at hospitals on week days. When he came home on hospice, I checked on him daily, spent countless nights at their house, fixed his drink, watched wrestling with him and helped him up every time he fell. I do not regret any minute of it. I lost friends because I spent all of my time with him rather than with them.
But, really none of that matter now because they are still alive and he died. I have the ability to spend time with them now but I cannot rewind the clock to spend time with him. When my paw-paw passed away I felt completely and utterly lost. He played so many roles in my life. My best friend, my hero, my father figure and the person I always went to. November 16, 2014 is one of the worst days of my life. My friend and I were at my house when we got a call from my maw-maw saying that we needed to come down there now; we woke up my mom.
We all stayed right beside him for hours. Once it started turning daylight my maw-maw and I still sat by his bed and he started to turn blue. I remember myself saying, “Breathe paw-paw! Breathe! Please Breathe! ” before my mom and uncle pulled me away. I could not breathe. I could not think. I crumpled to the ground and my eyes filled with tears. This cannot be real, I thought. I pulled myself together so I could at least go tell my other uncle, whom was in a wheel chair, that he stopped breathing.
By the time I got back to their house the ambulance nd cops were there. After about thirty minutes the EMS woman came out and said that she was sorry for our loss that they tried to resuscitate him but he could not be brought back. The planning, wake and funeral went by in a blur. A bunch of empty “I am sorry’s”, It will get better’s”, “I know what you are going throughs” and pity food. Everyone thought that their words helped me but no one knew how to make me feel better. I wanted to be able to grieve properly after my paw-paw’s death. After a while everyone but me started getting better and doing okay.
I felt devastated and cried all the time for days. People kept telling me things that helped them cope and things that maybe would help me. But no one got it. No one understood what was going through my head and how I felt. I tried talking about it and him to other people. At first, I felt relief because I thought I was finding my way to move on. Not forgetting him, just being able to hear his name and not burst into tears. The talking about him did not help as much as I thought it was. My emotions and feelings got even worse.
I was so angry all the time, and still am sometimes, because I just wanted to be able to be okay. My mom, sisters and the rest of my family tell me that I lost a part of myself when he died. They all found their way to cope for the most part so why cannot I? My doctor told me that maybe it would help me if I tried talking to someone outside the family. I thought friends counted as someone outside the family but that did not help. I think friends made it even worse than family did. When the talking to friends and family failed I confided in some one that lost their family member also.
They knew what I was going through. Someone finally understood how I felt! So far, this is helping me cope. Through all of this I have learned that not everyone processes death the same way. Some people laugh and some people cry. Other people shut everyone out. Not one person is the same. Grief also changes people as an individual. It changes their outlook on life, their personality and the way they think of themselves. I know because of what I went through. I changed into a completely different person. Sometimes I think that maybe his death helped me in a way that no one will get.
I think it continues to help me to better understand how I react in traumatic situations and what I have to do to cope. This quote helped me continue to find my way to move on, “But grief is a walk alone. Others can be there, and listen. But you will walk alone down your own path, at your own pace, with your sheared-off pain, your raw wounds, your denial, anger, and bitter loss. You’ll come to your own peace, hopefully… but it will be on your own, in your own time. ” (Cathy Lamb). Almost a year later, I still persevere to find my way.
