I feel that through my portfolio I tried to really expand on my argument and really elaborate on each point that I was making while also connecting it back to my main claim. Before the revision I feel as if I provided a lot of claims but didn’t give enough of analysis or evidence to fully support what I was saying, but with this portfolio I tried to make everything fit together with plenty of reasoning behind my claims.
I hope that you are able to notice that I took advantage of your comments on my essay and how I used them to help me expand on my claims, because without them I would have struggled to expand on my argument and my claims, as well as editing my paper as a whole. I think the pieces fit together because by expanding on my claims I also was able to connect everything together, instead of just stating points without sufficient analysis or link to all the other claims. I think this shows that myself as a writer, am one that needs to keep fixing and to keep revising rather than just doing everything all in one night.
As a reader, I think it shows me that in writing everyone struggles, just as I did, and that to take that into account when reading someone’s paper and to understand when someone writes an essay, book, etc it probably took them many attempts to get it to where they wanted it to be. Writing is a process that takes time, revision and a whole lot of effort. As a thinker, I believe that this showed me that before writing I have t evaluate what I’m trying to say in my essay before actually typing.
Thinking is an important step before a person can start writing and for me I think that I fully have to understand the topic of discussion and that I have to comprehend everything beforehand. Overall, my revision allowed me to fully elaborate and support my argument but specifically there were places that helped me make my writing more effective. I feel that in my second paragraph where I was discussing the comparison between poetry and rap music in my draft before this I didn’t really analysis the quotes from Dunbar and Fiasco, as well as I feel as if I sort of rushed it, rather than go into detail.
I added this to my analysis of Dunbar’s poem, “Sympathy”, I state, “He is comparing himself to a bird within a cage, that has been abused and yearns to be free. Through trial and error of attempting to escape his cage he fails each time, he still has hope that at some point he will be able to escape. The oppression of blacks, also seen in the poem as the caged bird, during the late 19th century, when Dunbar wrote this poem, was crippling for the people and can be seen as a being held captive by prejudice and intolerance” (Melaku 3).
Beforehand, I barely had any analysis of Dunbar’s poem but by adding this I was able to fully analyze what image he was trying to create for the reader whilst I was able to connect that to Lupe Fiasco’s song, “Word I Never Said”. Another place where my revision assisted me in making my writing and my essay more effective is later on in the essay where I bring up Brian Mooney’s classroom and his incorporation of rap music into his own classroom and further his ideas while connecting it to my argument.
I state that, “It send the message that because the reading that relates to them isn’t represented within their classrooms, their own struggle that is recognized in rap music, is insignificant. When these groups are being neglected, it eventually leads the students to believe that they have no purpose in continuing their education because they don’t see themselves in education so why should they keep going into something that overlooks them” (Melaku 7). Before, I lightly brushed it, but I hadn’t fully developed my ideas about it, through my revisions I was able to address it fully, rather than simply stating it.
I was able to expand on the issue of representation of lower class minority students that isn’t included into modern day educational system. Another example is when I discussed the issue of the perception of black men in society and how that connects to the reason why rap isn’t taught in schools as well as connecting it back to my argument. Before I briefly claimed that, “The fact is that because of society’s portrayal of black men, whether it be through the media or literature, has affected the ability of rap music and hiphop to be taught in schools”.
Later I added to it by presenting that, “This perception that society has purposely created has resulted in the degradation of the black community and the quality of life for black men. By not including this into the curriculum, the school system is ignoring the conflicts that are occurring in the students everyday lives and affirming the idea that their experiences are not consequential to the educational system” (Melaku 8).
By incorporating this it allowed me to fully express my ideas while providing analysis for my quote that I has stated before this. My goal for my revisions was to expand on my claims rather than just explicitly saying something, I wanted to fully analyze my claims and provide support for it as well. I also wanted to answer the “how” and “why” questions to my claims and explain why they were so important to overall argument. Also, I wanted to be able to integrate my quotes and evidence smoothly into my essay while also providing enough analysis.
I think that| accomplished this because with the help of the comments it allowed me to see where the essay was lacking support and add it in where it was needed. There were some parts of my essay where I feel like I struggled to connect everything together and I feel like the introduction and my thesis were still a bit rough, I believe that overall it all fell into place. I think that since the beginning of the semester I have grown as a writer because I am now able to accept my flaws in my writing and be able to revise it afterward.
In the beginning | found it hard to take advice and apply it to my writing, but through all the peer reviewed, conferences and revisions I was able to understand what I really had a hard time doing. Yet through the course of the semester I have been able to change that and it has made my writing better as a whole. In the first essay we turned in, I realized that I wasn’t happy with what I had wrote, which doesn’t really happen to me because I always make sure to take my time and complete an outline and at least two drafts for myself before the final, but for this one I didn’t really do that.
I feel that it really affected my writing and I wasn’t truly satisfied with the work I had. Before this class, I was really confident in my writing but this semester I feel that I grew more insecure of my writing. I think that depending on the environment and the other things going on definitely affect my writing. Although, I believe that this helped me grow as a writer and assisted me in establishing where I stand in my writing process now and how I can move forward.
