To my high school self and anyone else struggling with the same things I was and still am, Until the summer going into my senior year, I had always been a very independent person. I was very confident in everything I did, never to rely on anyone else but myself for happiness or anything of the sort. However, I made one mistake that summer and it never went away. The people in my new group of friends I had started bullying me about it. It started with a few choice words for me every time they saw me, then it moved to texts they would send me, to pictures they would photo shop me into, nd then it moved to twitter.
I remember one night in particular to this day that stood out the most. I remember it so well because every single person I knew at my school was tweeting about me, making fun of me, putting me down. It got so bad that I deleted my twitter that night. The bullying continued for six months. During that time, I was absolutely miserable. I realized I lost my ability to be independent because I realized that I cared about what people thought of me and I let it get to me and upset me. After dealing with it for so long, I got used to ll of it and forced myself to not care what everyone thought anymore because it did not matter.
That is when I became independent again. More independent than I had ever been. The main thing that most people think they need in life to be happy is a significant other. I can tell you now that if you are in that mindset, you are wrong. It sounds harsh, but it is the truth because if you truly were happy, loved yourself and your life, you would be just fine without anyone else in it. No one can “complete” you, but yourself. Hagar was not someone who could live on her own without Milkman. Actually, it drove her ad. As regularly as the new moon searched for the tide, Hagar looked for a weapon and then slipped out of her house and went to find the man for whom she believed she had been born into the world” (Morrison 127). Hagar was destroyed when Milkman broke up with her. She was so depressed that she did not know what to do with herself. She moped around and then she proceeded to try to kill Milkman because she was lost without him and angered. If she could not have him, then no one could. She believed she needed him to make her happy and even believed his purpose for being born into this world was so hat he could love Hagar.
Since Hagar never let go of that thought, she made herself sick and eventually, Hagar died. This is an extreme case of dependency. Not every case is like this, but this just shows how dangerous it can be to depend on one person because at any point in time, they could turn their back on you and abandon your trust. You must be confident in yourself so that if and when that does happen, you simply just move on and tell yourself it is the other person issue and not yours. In another sense, people find themselves and their happiness by escaping their comfort zone.
Being out on your own, or with less guidance, forces you to become independent since you do not have people telling you what to do, how to do things, or giving you everything you need. Milkman did just this. He had always wanted to leave the nest per se, but never could. He finally did and his life changed for the better. Upon meeting Susan and Grace, he was offered cookies for the rest of his journey and he turned them down at first. Grace then said, “You’ll be happy to have them later. ‘ The woman was wearing him down. He smiled, though, and said, ‘if you like” (Morrison 92).
The whole first three-quarters of the novel, Milkman was a very closed off, grumpy person who just needed to leave his home and those people behind. He knew he needed to leave because he did not necessarily like the person that he was being. He finally got the courage to go out into the real world and out of his comfort zone. Throughout his journey, he found himself somewhere along the way. When I read that Milkman was being worn down by Grace and smiled, is the exact moment I realized Milkman had changed. It is pretty cool to me actually, that realization feeling I had.
The first time he genuinely smiles in a long time and it is because he finally went out and found himself. He was not so much the angry person, but a much lighter more friendly person. A person who smiles about cookies. I cannot guarantee that he would have smiled at the beginning of the novel if the old Milkman was put into that situation. He got rid of the negativity and the things he did not want to be around and he left to find the things he wanted to be around. In fact, most people were just putting him down and saying he could not do it and he should not do it but he came ut on top a better person.
More importantly, a person with feelings and emotion for those he cares about. No one was there along the way to help him transform into this new Milkman so this proves my point that it is something that needs to be done on your own, and by you only. Based on all of this, what I am saying is that you need to get rid of all negativity in your life; people, situations, things that make you unhappy, etc. You need to get rid of everything that puts you down or makes you forget or question your self worth.
I know it is much easier aid than done, which I am experiencing this very moment, but that is the first step to being on the road to happiness. Hagar, Milkman, me, and many other people have a big thing in common. We need approval from others. Hagar needed it from Milkman, Milkman felt the pressures from his family, and I need approval from the people I care about. I realize now that it is about self acceptance. Looking back on that experience my senior year now, I am more than glad that I went through it. Like I said, I forced myself to not care what people thought or said about me because I truly could not care.
I had to get in the mindset that the bullying would never stop because frankly, I was unsure of when it would. I would have stayed unhappy all the way until I left for college if I had not learned to ignore it and focus on myself. Once I showed everyone it did not effect me and that I was into myself and my self only, did everyone let up. I never had experienced anything like that and I am much more proud of the person I became when I got out of it. Yes, I was independent before this happened, but I saw things so much differently after it.
I learned that I really cannot care what eople think, or count on someone for happiness, or trust the people that I thought I could. I cannot let someone control my life and every single decision I make like I used to because then you will never be truly happy and you would not be making decisions based on how you feel. You would be making them for others, and fear of disapproval. Now I am back in a more difficult time again and struggling with my independence, so I should really take my own advice. Until then, instead, here is my advice to you. You are in charge of your own transformation. Sincerely, My college self