EL AURENS is a touching dramatic, character driven short story. The script explores solid themes about tolerance and making the right life choices. The characters are confronted by strong moral decisions. In addition, the topic of immigration and the abuse of women in Iran are relevant issues to explore. The tone is consistently dramatic. The goal for the main protagonist is clear and the stakes are high. The supporting characters of Mojan and Reece also have emotional goals. Mojan wants to crusade for Iranian women and Reece struggles with his own feelings about the war and his brother.
Indeed, the highlights are the characters and their relationships with each other. The main protagonist, Lawrence, has a unique physical challenge, Bardet-Biedl syndrome, which makes his character even more special. He stands out from others. It’s a syndrome that may not be well known. This role is one that can attract talent, given its originality and distinctiveness. As mentioned, both Lawrence and his brother, Reece, are confronted with strong moral life choices. Lawrence wants to help Mojan, but in order to do this he has to leave the safety of his own home and overcome his inner struggle.
Lawrence’s decision to help her goes against his brother, creating solid personal conflict and tension. They undergo a compelling relationship arc, especially when Reece hits his brother. The script has a well-defined three-act structure and for the most part the pace works well. The opening and the first act set up the ordinary world of Lawrence. He’s an usual character and at first he’s somewhat challenging to like. He makes one feel uncomfortable, but as the story progresses Lawrence becomes endearing. However, it might benefit the script to highlight or clarify more f his hesitation to venture far from his home.
If understanding correctly, he never leaves home because he’s afraid of people making fun of him. However, he does leave with Mojan easily. The other issue is that Lawrence seems to easily know how to get to Manchester and find her uncle’s home. For a man who never goes out, it doesn’t feel realistic or credibility that he would know how to find the address. It would help to clarify this or make it seem more difficult to leave or find the uncle’s home. There’s a solid inciting event when he sees the smugglers abandon Mojan. His decision to help her is his catalyst for hange and this is what propels the story forward.
As before, there’s room to make Mojan a bit more fearful of Lawrence. They quickly bond and it’s a little challenging to believe. Conflict actually will create stronger chemistry. Moreover, the eating sequence slows the pace. There’s simply no sense of urgency for Mojan to find her family. One would think her main goal would be to find a way to get to her uncle’s home, not stop and cook a meal. Certainly the cooking highlights the cultural aspect of the storytelling, but it also slows the pace and it doesn’t provide for enough compelling tension.
As mentioned, there’s a pivotal moment that drives the story into the second act when Reece kicks out Mojan and hits Lawrence. The hitting of Lawrence and the cracking of his glasses is a smart story choice. It’s a bitter relationship arc and symbolic of their relationship shattering. Lawrence’s decision to go with Mojan propels the plot forward. The second act remains goal-centered, driven by their search for the uncle and the obstacles they have to overcome, such as the teen bullies and the smugglers. Reece’s guilt is well highlighted in the second act.
He finds the ddress and this propels him to change. However, to add more tension, consider adding an obstacle for Reece as he makes his way to the house. This will elevate the anticipation and tension of him getting to his brother and Mojan before something terrible happens. It adds a small ticking clock. The action at the house is well done, as the brothers team up to fight the smugglers. While it’s workable, some might question why the smugglers are at the uncle’s house when there were so many other immigrants. It’s a bit convenient that they pick her uncle, but as stated, it’s very workable.
Reece undergoes a strong character arc and change of attitude, but it would be nice for him to connect his days in the war with his feelings towards Mojan. The scene in which Lawrence pretends to have an asthma attack is nicely executed. One can see and feel the bond that is forged between the brothers when Lawrence winks and Reece plays long. On a small note, consider foreshadowing the idea of the father’s paint business. Maybe show Lawrence painting or Mojan discovers the paint. It feels like it comes out of nowhere when Reece suggests they start up their father’s business.
As mentioned, the cooking scene and discussion about groceries slows the pace. Also, it doesn’t seem realistic that Reece doesn’t know what a hijab is, given his time in the service. There’s no doubt that the highlights are the characters. At first, Lawrence is the type of character that feels a little peculiar. He makes one feel uncomfortable, but he becomes a fascinating character to watch and clearly by the end one cares about Lawrence and easily roots for him. Lawrence has a strong external goal to protect and help Mojan. He believes in right and wrong. He has a strong moral code.
The takes are high and dangerous. At the end, he undergoes a character arc with his brother, as well as an emotional and psychological arc for himself. He has a strong inner conflict about being different and he fears venturing out or socializing. By the end of the story, he’s ready to take this risk. The other characters feel just as genuine. Reece is established as being the bitter and unpleasant brother. He has little tolerance for refugees. He’s initially selfish and self-centered. What works so nicely is how the brothers complement each other. Reece is amoral in comparison to his brother.
Lawrence epresents “good” and he tries to see the positive in the world, while Reece sees the world negatively. They nicely challenge each other. Reece’s motivation is his family’s money. He also undergoes a solid transition, as he becomes selfless and learns tolerance. Reece and Lawrence do share good chemistry with each other as brothers. The relationship feels believable and authentic. Mojan is believable as the refugee looking for her uncle. She’s caring. She’s a victim, but she doesn’t feel sorry for herself. Her backstory about her parents and fighting for the rights of women gives her depth.
However, she easily bonds with Lawrence and she doesn’t express enough urgency to get to her uncle’s home. Eddie and Paul, the smugglers, are the identified antagonists. They are the type of depraved smugglers one would expect. They represent the theme of being amoral and corrupt. They fulfill their roles by adding tension and conflict to the plot. The overall dialogue is consistent with the characters and reveals their values and motivations. Dialogue also nicely reveals the personal conflict between the characters. However, there’s room to polish dialogue: Remember, people don’t talk in full sentences or so formally.
For example, Paul says, “What do we do? ” vs. “What’d we do? ” It does sound a bit on the nose. Reece sounds on the nose and it also sounds contrive when he says: “I was in the army for seven years. ” Mojan saying, “I agree. ” feels disruptive with what Reece is saying. Create diverse dialogue. About three times Lawrence says, “Follow me. ” Overall, the script features original and refreshing characters. They are confronted with strong moral, life choices. A nice message about tolerance is conveyed. One can envision this as a short film and even the possibility of creating a feature film