Being left to fight alone is devastating for anyone suffering from any form of mental illness. If a person you know seems to be struggling then reach out and connect with them. I can guarantee that showing that you care will make a huge difference and possibly save that person’s life. When you find yourself in a position to help someone, feel blessed because God is answering that person’s prayer through you. It can something as simple as the mixed CD I made for Bob to listen in his taxi, it just shows him that he is loved and that someone still cares about him.
I hope this provided you with a better understanding of what depression really is and how incredibly serious it is. I know Louellen and your dad both struggle with mental illness and I hope now you realise why they behave the way they sometimes do. I hope that in future you’ll remember to be a more empathetic person. Change for those four beautiful nieces of yours and little Isaac, because they still need a positive role model that will always look out for them. Hannah, I won’t apologise for having depression, that’s not a choice I made. But I do regret that it got between us.
I regret that I stopped being able to meet your criteria and things got too ‘stale’ for you. I vowed to do right by you in every way possible and treat you like your father should have treated your mother. I wanted to show you the life you deserved and give you the family you wanted when you were younger. Unfortunately, I had my own battles get in the road but despite the things I may have said or done, I was always in it for the long haul. I was there for you when things got ugly and I stayed by your side when it would have been so much easier to walk away.
You became so convinced that I was bad person that you thought I did the things I did because that’s what I was happy doing. The truth is I hated what I was doing and I would have given anything to be able to get up in the morning and start getting my life back on track. To be able to go to Uni and apply myself and to have the energy to exercise and the self-esteem to make friends. When I did manage to do something normal however you never even realised or appreciated it. Every time I cooked us a nice dinner or went out in public for a date, worked out or went to Uni was my equivalent of climbing Mount Everest.
That ‘person’ that you thought you I was, was just my depression. I was inside the whole time fighting to get better for the both of us but when I came to you begging for support, my words fell on deaf ears. I wasn’t being lazy, I was physically incapable of doing the things I wanted so desperately to do. The fact is, I wanted to do those things so badly that I wanted to kill myself because I couldn’t. I’m not a bad person. I’m the most genuine and compassionate man of conviction that you’ll ever meet, I’ve just been incredibly sick. In retrospect, I should have been in therapy and medicated a long time ago.
Now I understand it wouldn’t have been a walk in the park for you either, but you have no idea how bad it was for me. My mental health should have been a priority for you. I was worth it. I know your dreams and what breaks your heart. I know what you’re passionate about and what makes you cry. I’ve seen the parts of you that you hide from the rest of the world. I’ve felt your soul and your potential good nature. I’ve seen the woman you’re capable of being and she was beautiful. I forgive you because I know deep down you’re not a bad person, you were just a fool that didn’t know any wiser.
I don’t blame you for my problems because you didn’t start me down this road. To be honest, the person you thought I was, I would have left them too. But that wasn’t the case and you let me down in ways you can’t even imagine. Recently I started feeling okay again, more myself and for the first time in a long time I felt content with myself. It was difficult, but I started to piece myself back together and have a fresh start. I gave my heart to you completely and in some way I’ll always love you, but I’ve accepted that we finally found the battle that we couldn’t win. I’m so happy I was able to help you become everything you are.