At the age of 18 this Forgotten Girl moved away and went to Idaho State University. I couldn’t believe my life was happening the way I never would have imagined was possible, even though the weather was freezing beyond what I had planned for since it was January, but each time I stepped out into that cold air I took in huge breaths knowing I was free! This was a huge move, but a very happy one for me. I learned how to live, and be responsible with my time and money, though I had no idea how to study or how to take tests correctly.
I was so excited to be there that when I went in to sign up for classes I was sure | would be fine taking the early morning 7:00am classes, but that didn’t go over so well as I loved to stay up late and sleep in. I didn’t have anyone telling me it was time to go to bed so being the night owl that I was, I would stay up until the wee hours of the morning hanging out with anyone I could in the dorms who was also awake, and I didn’t know how to set boundaries for myself for anything. Basically as excited as I was to be there, I wasted the first 6 months by being irresponsible but loving it at the same time.
Obviously that was not enough and the almost comical reasons for these grades were ridiculous. Besides not doing what I should have in class, I decided right off that I would take basic math. I then decided that since my history of math was so atrocious I would blatantly not even try since I figured right off that I was not going to pass anyway so why try, but the D in my Dating and Marriage class, was a mystery to me because I was dating at least five nights a week and so I couldn’t figure out what the problem was. I should have been acing that class.
I didn’t think I should need to study the course material when I was living it, but that was dumb of me. I seriously am laughing writing this, and laughed out loud reading my journals about it. One very nice thing that was different about college boys though, was I was told so many times that I was liked because I was genuine, and pretty, and I didn’t remember hearing that word “genuine” in high school. I had entered a new phase in dating, no longer did I have to compete with popularity, money, background, or anything like that.
These college boys actually seemed to care about the person I was on the inside and they thought I was fun and loved to laugh with me, but the best part of all to me was NOBODY knew about my past. I did date a few younger, rougher, around the edges guys that certainly didn’t bring out the best in me. One night when we were supposed to be in by 10pm for curfew, I walked right under their sign that said “No Girls Past 10PM EVER”, and went to their dorm, just to see if I could, and they loved that I would even try.
When I got inside of course I hid, well we got to talking and they had fireworks and I found out they had M-80’s but didn’t know quite what to do with them. Me, being experienced with them helped them make the decision to light them all over campus until 1AM that morning while we hid in the bushes, thankfully I never got caught but I look back and think what the heck was I thinking???? I could have thrown my whole future, for a few minutes of thrill! My first few months were rough, I missed my sisters terribly, and to make matters worse, I had three lesbian roommates and I was not OK with that at all.
I had nothing against them personally but my standards were completely different from theirs and I did not like this arrangement one bit. After complaining enough I was moved to another apartment that had an opening and I liked it much better, because I felt very uncomfortable in my first one. I guess coming to school last minute, I got put in the only available spot, and I can see why it was open now. I guess being lonely for family, and having some lame roommates didn’t help me stay very smart, because I went back to my baseball boyfriend Stephen again!
It was very short lived, and I was very heartbroken, and hurt again. About this time, I realized that| had so much hurt inside, and I didn’t want to take it into a marriage, or marry the wrong person, so I decided to bite the bullet. I found a man I liked, and started therapy. I figured I would go for a couple times, and be done, but after talking to him the first couple times, and telling him a little bit, he let me know to expect to come weekly for about 2 years to work through everything that I had been through. I hadn’t even begun to tell him everything.
I was shocked, but I faithfully went to him for several months. It was very hard, and I gave it all I could for what I could handle at that time in my life, which wasn’t much to be honest. A few months into me being away, my mother, and my little sister, Lila came for a visit. They didn’t have the money to come visit, so I helped pay their way, because they were going to pay for it, then last minute they couldn’t come, and I was so broken hearted that I offered to help pay, so they would come. I was so happy to see family that it was worth it to me.
There were these amazing sand dunes near the college, and it was a sun tanning girls heaven! One day several of us planned a big trip out there for the day. We walked out to the perfect spot and laid our things down, got settled and I was burnt to a crisp within 15 minutes, burnt! I had already turned from the back to the front and even on my sides. I was in tears by the 20 minute mark, and I was bawling and begging them to leave but they didn’t want to. They saw me red as a lobster but figured I was just hot.
I kept telling them I am not normally like this, something was wrong, please we need to go, so finally after about 35 to 40 minutes my very frustrated and upset friends took me home. This after a long walk back to the car through the sand. I went home, and tried to find relief by getting in a cold bath, but that was a huge mistake. I ended up shaking so awful out of control and couldn’t pull myself out of the bath. I was so embarrassed, but we called someone with a car and they drove me to the Emergency Room where I was admitted for a week with severe second degree sunburn and dehydration.
Apparently I had been on Medicine that said to stay out of the sun and I didn’t even realize it. Oh I was so miserable and my friend Susan from back home was on her way to see what that college was like and spend the week. I felt so horrible because she spent the week in the hospital next to me. Worse was my mother and sister Lila showed up too. It was very nice of them, I just felt lousy for her. While I was there Ashley, and my sister Mia came for a visit. I could not for the life of me figure out why she was coming to see me, and when she got there she was super skinny and didn’t look too well.
She appeared hopeless. She said she was on a vacation to take a break. She had just come out of the Psych Hospital and brought me a book called Codependent No More. She had traveled two days to b to me. She stayed for a few days and we had a very nice time. My dad had convinced her she was strange because she found out he was cheating on her with her best friend, Shirley, and his high school sweetheart Penelope. It was awful crappy. I felt horrible for her. I believed everything she told me.
I had lived with him when he did that to my mother. I had lived with the two of them when he did that to her. I knew she was not of unsound mind. While at the time I was offended that she was concerned that because I grew up with a father like him that I might be codependent too and she begged me to read the book. I never did read it but years later I can see how it was a very sweet wise gesture. 000 In June I went back home for another surgery for my Endometriosis, and I hated being there so bad.
I am not sure who paid for the surgery, but I do remember the tender moments my mother lovingly took care of me at the hospital for a couple days, but once I got home, I felt like no matter what, I was treated like the old Elsie. The surgery was supposed to make it so I could have children, but after six months time, it would need to be redone again, or the chances of me having babies was basically null. I made a choice, out on my own, that I was going to attend church, with or without Bishop Irvin, and the earrings, even though it had taken me a while to figure out what I wanted, and what my priorities were, I was able to make some changes.
