Essay 1 – Self Defining A laughter came from my mouth as jokes were being made about a kid sitting alone at lunch by those in which I surrounded myself by, people whom I considered my friends. Our entertainment came everyday from teasing others, because in middle school, that’s what the “cool” and “popular” kids do, and that was who I wanted to be. It continued to go on throughout the school year, and I continued to laugh. However, everyday| found myself laughing less and less, and I never realized it untill one day, I was no longer laughing.
I sat at a table at lunch surrounded by girls laughing at the kid sitting by himself at the table across from us, but I was the only one who was not laughing. I looked over at the kid who sat there quietly, reading a book, and eating his lunch. I then looked back over at the people I encompassed myself by, all eyes on the kid with a snicker coming from their mouth. This pursued throughout the next week. I sat at the lunch table, looking at and eating my lunch, while everyone else looked at the other kid eating his lunch. As a few days passed, and they began to notice that I wasn’t laughing anymore, and asked why.
I would just reply “oh, I’m just tired. ” I never wanted them to know the real reason because then maybe I’d be the kid they made fun of at lunch, I just didn’t know and I was afraid to find out the answer. Eventually, something ended up being said. However, this wasn’t at lunch nor was it in the hallways, it occurred over Twitter; a confrontation between me and the main girl who made the jokes, out there on the internet for anybody to see. I didn’t understand how I could be sorry for not laughing or finding it humorous to make fun of someone who had never done anything to me, someone I had let alone never even talked to before in my life.
That next day at lunch, comments were made, but not about the kid who sat by himself, they were aimed at me instead; just like I was afraid of. Snide remarks that consisted of “better not say anything about him, Madison’s here” or someone would laugh and it’d be followed by a “you’re not allowed to laugh, remember? ” I had continued to sit at the lunch table for a few more days not just because I didn’t want to be harassed even more than I already was at the time, but also because I had no idea where I was going to sit.
My best friend sat at the table with me, she didn’t laugh when they said things about me, but she didn’t stick up for me either, and at that moment I knew exactly how the other kid felt. She was in my position, not laughing at antagonizing others, and I was in his position, being the one antagonized; but there was one big difference between me and him, when they did it to him he was at another table and who knows if he could hear them or not, but when they did it to me it was straight to my face, and they didn’t care whatsoever.
Finally, I ended up moving tables and my bestfriend came with me. When I did this, I began to realize I was going to be starting high school in less than a year and it really made me start to question my identity and not only who I was, but who I wanted to be and what type of person that was. I really started to examine who I was friends with and surrounded myself by, what I said, the thoughts that went through my head, and the vibe ! put out to others. After doing this, I concluded that none of it was what I wanted it to be and that I was not who I wanted to be.
I started to question if my parents knew everything that went on in my life and if they saw me at school everyday, if they’d really be as proud of me as they are or if they’d rather be disappointed in me; and the answer to that question was by far not what I esteemed. At this point, I was having an identity crisis and I felt lost by all means. Everyone has that point in their life in which they are trying to find themselves. That time when they take a giant step back and look into the mirror, staring at their reflection, contemplating what exactly they are looking at and who exactly it is looking back at them.
Within Loretta Stewart’s essay, “The Mirror” she describes what she sees when looking into a family heirloom mirror, not only her family’s past, but also herself and how exactly she wants to break the cycle of failure her predecessors have created. Often, when someone takes a look into a mirror all the see is simply what’s on the outside, the bare minimum, but like Stewart said, “mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images” (Stewart 17). Take a look into the mirror, but don’t focus on the image that’s staring back, look deeper and take a moment to reflect on who and the identity.
I finally did this, and without the help of anyone I changed who I was because it was not who I wanted to be nor was it who | wanted to be known as, what I wanted my reputation to be. I never really thought of how much of an impact it would have on my life. I concluded looking beyond the surface is where the truth will be found. I stopped making fun of people or laughing when others did, because it’s not funny to bring people down in general, I wanted to just be a genuinely nice person.
I started to get to know people and their personality rather than just basing them off of what they looked like and what I failed to know. I struggled with sticking up for people, always being worried about it being turned around on me, so I’d just walk away from the situation or avoid it. In the end though, I came to the realization that not everything always has to be about me or how I feel, that that’s still a person, just like me, and if I don’t like it, why on earth would they? These are situations anyone can face being in middle school or high school.
Whether it be being in my position, or being in the kid who sat by himself being made fun of, even if someone knows it or not. Society will always have the upper hand and will try to influence or tell what to do or what’s “cool. ” Notwithstanding, sometimes people have to overcome adversity and take the road less traveled; because the person matters beyond just the reflection that stares back at, it’s who the reflection is that makes a difference. It’s undeniable that these challenges are found all around, every second of every day, and making the right choice isn’t easy, but neither is life.
Right before I entered high school, I encountered an experience that taught me one of the most important lessons | have learned so far in life that ultimately tested my true character. However, I overcame the adversity and challenge | faced and learned that the person next to me matters just as much, and I might be waiting for someone else to do the job, whether it be to stick up for them or stop whatever is going on, but they’re waiting for me to. This is one of the hardest generations to grow up in with the way society is, but ultimately can make us the strongest depending on the decisions each person makes.
