When I was 17 it was 1995, I went on my first real date. We were going to see First Knight. The boy in question was the friend of a friend and I had only ever talked to him on the phone. He said he would pick me up at 7 and we would catch a movie. So far so good. 7 rolls around and he isn’t there, he calls and says his Dad is running late so they won’t be there till 8. I didn’t realize his Dad was driving but whatever, I am withholding judgment. 8:30 they show up and he knocks on my door and I go out to join him. He leans in for a kiss and I lean very far back and awkwardly stick out my hand to shake his hand. He doesn’t act like he knows what to do next and he is just staring at his feet and his Dad is staring at us and time just crawls. We finally just painfully walk to the car. It is not immediately apparent where we are going to be sitting. Now, this dude’s Dad was HUGE. Not just his weight, but his entire freaking frame. He barely fits in his car. He has the driver’s seat all the way back and in the front seat next to him is a cage of living breathing birds. The back seat is really only half a back seat because his Dad is filling so much of the car. I look at my date and look at the car. My date seems to have come to the same realization that there is really only one seat. I squeeze into the backseat while my date squeezes into the front seat with a bird…
The entire ride there no one talks. The only sounds that can be heard are his Dad’s labored breathing and the sound of all those birds. We arrive and I manage to get out of the car. His Dad speeds off without a word. We have missed the first part of the movie but my date is like, no problem I will tell you what happens and it will be just fine. We walk up to buy tickets and he doesn’t have his wallet. I buy the tickets. He walks up to the concession stand and orders soda and popcorn. I again obviously…
