As I sit here at my computer I restlessly glance at the clock; it’s 12:40 AM, approximately twelve hours until this essay is due. How could I have once again gotten myself into this terrible situation? I would love to say that there’s some amazing excuse for my blatant irresponsibility, that some horrible catastrophe took place inhibiting the start of this paper. Yet sadly there is none; I can present no justification of this other than my own slothfulness. And even as I type I debate over the topic. Various ideas swirl in my head like a typhoon, none of which seem very appealing.
I need to write about something I know, something that is like second nature, and most importantly something that I can bullshit about for a full 2 pages. Of course, how could I be so blind! What better to write about then procrastination itself; over the years I have pretty much perfected the art of postponement. To the average person this may seem like an uncomplicated task; you may be thinking “But Chad, anyone can wait till the last minute! ” And I grant that in that assumption you would be entirely correct; any idiot can be lazy.
However the question is; can just any idiot wait until the last minute, pull an all-niter, and actually emerge victorious. Because that my friend takes finesse, and is not a feat for any mere amateur. So I encourage you to grab a cup of coffee and take a seat because for the next couple of hours I will be taking you on a crash course through the art of procrastination. The most important thing to consider when faced with blank paper and an equally empty cranium is the possibility of an extension of the deadline.
This being the most ideal situation for the reason that it gives you all the more time to goof off; who knows maybe by midnight tomorrow you’ll be in a more productive mood. Convincing a professor to grant you an extension is not an easy task and may require a smidgen of deceitfulness; but seeing as how by this point you’re probably pretty desperate it shouldn’t present much of moral dilemma. Always remember that it is extremely important to measure up your victim and choose the most effective bait.
While some professors are more cooperative and will grant you the extension with a simple excuse like “My great aunt Bertha died”, others can be rather a pain and may require a plea more elaborate such as “The doctors say it may be a tumor and believe I only have a few months to live. ” If lying fails you, there are less polite methods of persuasion such as bribery, blackmail, or a threatening letter or two; though its not recommend considering the whole legal thing.
If you don’t succeed in acquiring an extension you will next want to evaluate whether or not your grade can handle the crippling blow of a zero; this is of course in the unlikely event that you don’t turn the paper in. Which, unless you want to look forward to a promising career in the fast food industry, isn’t the best idea. It’s always better to turn in something than nothing, so if it’s starting to look completely hopeless sit down and pound out at least one page of complete crap; no matter how bad of a grade you get on it it’s always that much better than a zero.
If you’ve made it this far and are still willing to pull some serious hours and do some real work then congratulations; you’re one of the few, the proud, the determined slackers. When cursed with the hellish task of writing an entire well-thought essay at an hour when any halfway sane person is sleeping it is very important that you prepare yourself. The most important thing you can have with you in these trying times is your alertness, and no matter how awake you think you are, after about 30 minutes of writing your body is going to require some kind of refueling.
I recommend either having at least a 2 liter bottle of some kind of caffeinated drink or if you prefer maybe more illegal substances such as speed and coke. I do recommend however staying away from any caffeine pills such as Vivarin and No Doz; I know from experience that these horrible little spawns of Satan will thwart all attempts at creating a competent essay. You open the innocent looking box and peer at the small pathetic looking pills inside, your first thought is “wow these look pretty tame I better take about 4”, so you force the little time bombs down and wait for the effects.
At first nothing happens and you begin to think you been cheated, but then slowly as your mind drifts into sleep your body remains completely awake. After about 30 minutes you’re brain has become about as productive as a bowl of tapioca pudding and yet physically you’re bouncy enough to run a marathon; let me tell you this is a very confusing place to be in. Once you’ve got your things and are ready to start working, sit down and go at it.
Don’t attempt to write the whole thing in one sitting, it can take quite a toll on your sanity and your work. Instead, about every page or so take a break; go play a video game or get something to eat; just do anything to get your mind away from the task at hand. If you can stay awake you should have your essay done before too long. Although it will probably be an error filled confusing piece of trash, don’t stress, go to sleep. In the morning when you wake up proof-read your work, don’t panic!
I know it’s probably pretty bad but it can be fixed. Go through and thoroughly read, fixing all errors and doing your best to make it somewhat decent. Once you’re done drag your lifeless body to class and turn in your finished work, hopefully you’ll receive a somewhat acceptable grade. If by chance you don’t, refer back to the bribery, blackmail, and threaten section of the paper. In the true spirit of this essay I sacrificed my grade and waited until the night before it was due to begin.
I wanted to ensure that all information was completely accurate and truthful and I felt this could only be achieved through experiencing it first hand; therefore this is a true testament to the art of procrastination. I am confident that if I had taken the time and put more effort into this it would be drastically better. But then that wouldn’t have been procrastinating would it? And then what the hell would I have written about?
