My heart is pounding in my chest as I am in complete awe as I realize that finally she is coming. It is one of the most thrilling events that has ever happened to me in my entire life. I don’t think one can ever be completely ready for what I was about to endure as well as the pain my body was about to be put through. The pain begins to become more alarming as stronger waves of torment flows throughout my body down to the deepest core of my being. I have to say no matter how many books or classes I have taken, nothing could prepare me for what was about to happen next.
It is not something that one could ever be mentally qualified for until it is actually happening. Fourteen hours of agonizing discomfort and yet we are still waiting for her to enter into this nonsensical, yet wonderful world. At that moment, I realize once she arrives she will be completely dependent on me. As I’m waiting for her to make her debut, I start to fantasize about what she would look like. I suddenly commence to have premonitions of a little girl with Vietnamese eyes and olive skin.
Additionally, I visualize a scenario in which she’s running around in a yellow dress, with her unruly hair swaying in the wind. She is barefoot and we seem to be at a remote location on a beach somewhere. I can foresee the swells of the water crashing upon the shore as she wades in the water while staring back at me. After all this time waiting, I just want to view my beautiful baby girl and all of her innocence. The doctors then return to tell me that in a moment, I will have her in my arms. It is finally here, the instant I have been waiting for my entire life.
This torment is, in no way a beautiful thing. The beauty of it all is what ensues after the harsh efforts to ensure my baby arrives into this world safely. Only then will I finally appreciate everything I have withstood with this entire ordeal. The pain is unlike anything one could have possibly imagined. Suddenly, I was then pardoned from this agony by being given the option to receive pain medicine as well as anesthesia. Of course I immediately decide to obtain these enlightenments as I could no longer withstand affliction.
I was then instructed to sit slightly hunched over with my hands on my knees. Just then, I realized that the anesthesiologist seemed to be fiddling around with the needle as I was forced to wait for almost ten minutes just to be administered my treatment. Finally, he inserts a five inch needle into my spine and a sensation unlike any other rushed through my veins All at once, it happens and she is arriving in a moment that seemed to have occurred at light speed. My first initial thought of her at first glance was that she is the most beautiful individual on the face of this planet.
Once I was given the ability to fully observe her in her ever so captivating glow, I instantly knew what it meant to feel unconditional love. I began to feel a sense of ownership as I wanted to do anything in the world for her and to protect her by any means necessary. It was truly a remarkable and wondrous cognizance in which I experienced that faithful day. She gazed up at me as she wrapped her whole tiny hand around my pointer finger. I tell her I love her gently as I have never meant anything so much in my life. As we hold one another, I start to contemplate different aspects of my life.
At this point, I then decided that my child is what really matters to me now and that I need to be the parent that she deserves. Never have I had another person to care for or take care of. I can only express it as a feeling in which your heart is now out of your own body. Your heart at that moment is right there in your arms admiring your face with alluring brown eyes. Mothering my offspring is what I felt I was meant to do. Essentially, I am going to put all her needs before my own. Understandably, there will be struggles we will undergo together throughout the years that lie ahead.
Although one of the largest endeavors, I was forced to face during the first hours and days of her life was encountering all of this all alone. I wasn’t alone in the sense that I didn’t have anyone. I was just physically alone when I brought her into the world. Unfortunately, she came early and no one had made it there to be with me on time. My husband, who is serving in our nation’s military, was traveling from an operational deployment back to the United States to witness her arrival. The only upside to all this was that he was able to talk to me on the phone while I was in labor.
He thought I was crazy because during the entire birth giving process, I found something that someone had said very amusing. But to this day, I still cannot recall what exactly humored me so much during that experience within my life. I was numb, so I certainly could not feel the discomfort at all after receiving the medication. He could not be there physically, but, he was there mentally and in spirit and for that, I am very thankful. We were two individuals before she got here, and now that she finally arrived we were joined now as one.
She unified my husband and I in a way that I did not understand was possible. For those first few days of her life, it was just her and I. Now that I reminisce about events, I rejoice that we had that time together. There were many nights that my sleep was disturbed or even nonexistent. Furthermore, I even encountered instances where I just wanted to curl into a ball and cry. Regrettably, I could not do that with this little human depending on me to take care of her and keep her safe from harm. It was exhausting and there was so much pressure to keep everything together.
Through it all, I was able to triumph and do everything to the best of my abilities. Her name is, Lily and she was the light of my life. More and more every day, she is my sole purpose for my existence. In my family, we have a saying for the ones we love: “I love you as high as the sky and as deep as the ocean. ” I have heard it throughout my entire life from my various family members. Today, I now have the privilege to say it to my daughter and thoroughly mean every aspect of the saying, with all my heart and soul. She is my fascinating little flower. She is my heart. She is my Lily.