(Maximilian and Kitty hold hands while entering an eerie, worn down office. Maximilian repeatedly checks a newspaper clipping in his hand. Kitty takes a step closer to the worn out desk and chairs, and shrieks when she hears a dangerous roar.)
Kitty: (wrapping her arms around Maximilian) Maxie! What was that? Oh dear God I swear if I don’t come back home my mother will be so mad! Or maybe she’ll be sad that I was murdered….or worse, kidnapped! Maxie, Maxie, Maxie, do you know what happens to people who get abducted? BAD THINGS. (sobbing) PLEASE DON’T LET THIS HAPPEN TO ME OR ELSE-
Maximilian: (swatting Kitty off in annoyance) Kitty, get OFF of me, and stop calling me that stupid nickname. I’m Maximilian! Why do you have to be such a crybaby, you do this every single time we go somewhere! I’m just here for a job interview, and we’re safe. As far as I can tell nobody is here, except for the…….GHOSTS!
(Kitty screams again as Maximilian laughs at her childish behavior. Kitty quickly calms down, and smacks Maximilian in the back of the head. He winces at the pain rubs the back of his head.)
Maximilian: Hey! What was that for? You really hurt me!
Kitty: (turning her nose at Maximilian) You deserved it, thinking that you could be so rude to me. Hmph.
Uma: Is this how you behave at all of your job interviews?
[Aim spotlight on Uma] (Suddenly, a spotlight is placed on the desk, showing a sly woman in a long-brimmed fedora. Her feet are propped up on the desk and she lets out a soft giggle as Maximilian and Kitty hold each other and scream.)
Kitty: (shaking) Is-is SHE the ghost?
Maximilian: (quivering) May-may-maybe? I’m sorry I didn’t mean for that to happen it was just a joke, Kitty I’m SO SORRY!
Kitty: Me too, Maxie! Forgive me!
Uma: (standing up and laughing) Oh this is just too much. And you want to be a spy? R-e-m-a-r-k-a-b-l-e, REMARKABLE! It’s a good thing that you’re a pretty boy, or else you wouldn’t survive.
Maximilian: A sp-spy?
Uma: Pretty Boy, if I need to put this in simpler terms I will. S-P-Y spy. You know, like the lasers and tuxedos?
Maximilian: (at the same time as Kitty) Pr-pretty boy?!?
Kitty: (at the same time as Maximilian) Pr-pretty boy?!? Maxie, what is she talking about?
Maximilian: Sweet, sweet Kitty, where in the hell did you get such a notion that I, your sixteen year old friend-who is experiencing this AT THE EXACT SAME TIME AS YOU-would ever know what a sexy ghost woman in a hat, which by the way is DEFINITELY not going to help while she’s sitting in the dark because that’s so unnatural and stupid, would ever know what she is talking about?
Uma: (laughing heartily) Wow, Pretty Boy, you’re such a comical individual, I enjoy that. We need more of that at the agency.
Maximilian: Okay, are you ever going to explain what is going on, and don’t call me Pretty Boy!
Uma: (rising on her feet) I can’t promise you on that second demand. You really are pretty. But of course I’ll tell you all about my cute little side business here-if you can keep a secret.
Maximilian: Why a secret?
Uma: (sighing in annoyance) Ugh. Do I have to explain everything to you? Ugh, you’re such a Pretty Boy, but alright. To sum it up; you’re going to get an irrefusable pay, the job of your dreams, all the luxuries in the world, and to top the cake, four years underground. That means no annoying bullies, no drama with that weird girlfriend Kitty of yours, and space from all of those pestering family members. That is, of course, if you decide to sign the basic contract that makes you mine.
(Maximilian stutters uncomfortably and Kitty sits in shock.)
Kitty: Uma, you seem like a wonderful woman, but Maxie and I, uh, need some time to talk. Now. You know, before he makes this important decision.
(Maximilian nods awkwardly as he is dragged to the other side of the stage by Kitty. Uma checks her nails and picks up a mirror, admiring her face.)
Kitty: (in a loud whisper) Maximilian Steiner, what the hell were you thinking?
Maximilian: (whispering loudly in response in a panicked tone) Kitty, I literally have no idea what’s going on! Did you think I wanted to become a teenage spy? I just wanted a job at freaking McDonald’s!
Kitty: (defeated) Oh, I’m sorry. I thought maybe this was one of your adventurous plans or whatever.
(After a brief pause, Kitty and Maximilian burst out laughing.)
Maximilian: (bent over, laughing) Me…ha….adventurous! Ha!
Kitty: (cupping her mouth giggling) Yes, you…hehe. (collecting herself) Anyways, do you think you’re really going to go through with this?
Maximilian: I don’t know, maybe? Think about it Kitty, a spy! I bet it makes good money-
Uma: (wagging her finger) Seventy thousand dollars is the starting salary.
(Maximilian and Kitty jump simultaneously.)
Maximilian: Oh, Uma! You’re still here. Didn’t know you were listening in on us!
Uma: Of course I am, sweetheart. I’m a spy. This is my territory.
Maximilian: (sheepishly laughing) Oh, right. But Kitty, I think I really do want to do this. How could I ever pass up this opportunity?
Kitty: You have a point there. I guess I can’t let you skip out on it. As much as I’d like for you to stay here with me, this is your life, and your decision. The least I can do now is support you.
(Kitty walks up to Maximilian and wraps her arms around him. He returns the hug, and they hold each other.)
Kitty: (sniffling) I’m going to miss you, you know that?
Maximilian: I’m going to miss you too. But don’t worry, I’ll call you every week and text you twenty-four seven!
Uma: (rubbing her jaw) Yeah….calling….because that wouldn’t destroy the secrecy of a SECRET SPY AGENCY.
(Maximilian and Kitty ignore the comment and sway as the are still hugging. After a brief sigh from both, they break away. Uma adjusts her hat and continues over to Maximilian, putting a hand on her shoulder. Maximilian hesitantly looks back at Kitty, but gives a faint smile.)
Uma: (with an unnatural sense of enthusiasm) Alright, Mr. Maxie! We can start training and initiation right now. Kitty, this place is quite classified and so I’m going to have to ask you to stay here until I come back. Is that okay with you?
Kitty: Well-
Uma: (cutting her off) Good. Farewell, you lovely girl!
(Uma yanks Maximilian off stage. Kitty is left alone, carefully pacing around looking at Uma’s objects. She picks up Uma’s mirror and as she shoves it in her pocket, suddenly an alarm goes off. Loud steps can be heard in the background.)
Kitty: (frightened) Oh no! Who’s there?
(Christian and Ian emerge on stage from opposite sides of the stage. They are wearing all black to hide their identities and wear gigantic bug-eyed feminine sunglasses. As both reach for Kitty’s arms, she knocks off Ian’s sunglasses and he falls to the ground.)
Ian: (rubbing his eyes and head) Ouch! What was that for? Double, it’s me!
Kitty: (sighing in relief and showing a dramatic change in character) Oh, it’s just you twats. I forgot I sent you here to spy on Uma. Ha! Did you know she calls herself “Mistress V” now?
Ian: Like your last name, Verona?
Kitty: Duh, you idiot. That used to be me boys! Now, I’m just,ew-“Double.”
Ian: As in a double agent!
Kitty: YES! Let the intelligent one do the talking, honey.
Christian: Is that why you wanted us to work for her, boss? To get revenge?
Kitty: (patting his back enthusiastically and tapping his nose) Exactly! This is why you’re here Christian. You’re the brains and Ian-
(Ian is swaying his hips as he takes his glasses on and off, making funny faces and giggling. Kitty and Christian shoot him a disgusting look.)
Kitty: Ian is just pure brawn, but alas! I can’t give him away. He’s done so much for me and the least I can do is let him tag along in our games now.
Christian: (laughing) So that’s what you’re calling sabotage now? Games?!?
Kitty: Precisely. It has less of a negative connotation.
Christian: That is a very valid argument right there but wait, I’m still confused. If you want to ruin Uma, why did you bring that Pretty Boy kid into the mess?
Kitty: (dismissing him) Oh, that’s the icing on my diabolical cake, sir. Neither of those buffoons realize that Uma is his aunt.
Christian: And he called her sexy?
Kitty: (disgusted) Uh, yeah, but I really don’t want to talk about that. Maximilian is going to become a great asset to her agency, and Uma is going to love him to pieces. Anybody in a one-hundred mile radius can tell that kid has skills. He’s destined for greatness, but as long as I’m here that will never happen. We’ll reel him in just long enough for them to get close and then BAM! We eliminate him, right in front of Uma’s priceless face.
Ian: (shocked) Wow, Double, that’s evil. Even for you!
Kitty: (scoffing and wickedly smiling) I know. Plus, I never liked that Maximilian kid. He had it too good for too long, that’s why this operation is called The Fall of Pretty Boy.
Christian: (laughing evilly) I like that, Double!
Ian: Nobody knows how to do deception like you, boss.
Kitty: (aware of her cruel intentions) Oh, I know. Now let’s get out of here. This place is starting to bring back old memories and I’m getting the shivers.
(Kitty snaps her fingers as she leaves. Christian and Ian fall in line with her and exit.) [Lights dim and the curtains close. End of scene one.] ACT I SCENE II (Uma leads Maximilian into a room full of bunk beds. Uma stomps her foot loudly, and five agents scurry out. They all stand in line, saluting her.)
Spies: Mistress V!
Uma: (nodding) You may rest now. People, I’d like to introduce to you another member of the agency. He goes by the codename “Pretty Boy.”
(The agents burst into uncontrollable laughter. Maximilian looks utterly confused and Uma gives them a nasty look.)
Rosemary: (pointing at Maximilian) Who does he think he is? Pretty Boy. Ha!
Malik: (bending over and stumbling) Who…hehehe….even….thinks that would be so funny?
Jordan: You’re telling me! That’s hilarious-
Uma: SHUT UP!
(The room is filled with silence as all three members shout apologizes and cower behind each other. Uma smiles triumphantly and pats the back of Rosemary.) Uma: Excuse them, they’re still trainees. It’s absolutely disgusting but I can’t complain, they have potential. This here is Rosemary, she’s going to be your very best friend. You guys chat it up while I go handle some business, alright?
(Uma struts out as the trainees salute.)
Rosemary: (giving a small wave) Hey-o. Uma here has been talking a lot about you.
Maximilian: (confused) Wait- we just met?
Malik: We’re spies, remember, Pretty Boy?
Maximilian: Riight. Okay.
Rosemary: (giggling) Don’t stress it. It’s just a joke we like to tell. We don’t spy on any new recruits. If you’re here, you probably stumbled upon us, because you’re spy senses detected us.
Maximilian: Spy senses?